For those of you who do not know, every morning I wake up to music playing outside of my head (no radio on), which I call a Musical DLG™ (Download from God™).
This morning's Musical DLG™ called, 'White Flag' by Dido reminded me of where I was and where I am now. As a general Life rule (I have many), I typically do not listen to songs that make me feel sad or less than who I am, but this was one of those songs that I would sing to and allow it to make me tearful and sorry for myself. I would sing the words knowing full well they would make me feel depressed and knowing full well the words did not apply to my relationship-case, but I sang the words as if they did. WTF was that about? I would sing, "I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again. And I caused nothing but trouble, I understand if you can't talk to me again." When I use my 'now brain' and look at my 'then brain' I wonder why I was reading myself in such a horrible way. It's true, I was pining-away over someone, but I guess this was just the song at the time that resonated with how deeply I felt about the relationship. There was no destruction and drama, it just didn't work out. Simple as that! I was pining so deeply that in my heart I vowed to never give up, I would never surrender or put a white flag above my door. I was going to pine for the long-haul.
Then one day I was reminded of the song. I don't remember how I was reminded, but it could have been that I heard part of the lyrics on the radio, or maybe I heard a reference to a white flag, or maybe I heard another song by 'Dido' that reminded of this song. I don't remember where the train of thought originated that caused me to land on 'White Flag', but it was then that I Googled the words to the song. When I saw the lyrics with my 'aware and conscious brain', I said to myself, "Oh hell NO!" I don't know how many times I sang, "I will go down with this ship. And I won't put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door, I'm in Love, and always will be." It was at that moment that I decided . . . "Dang straight you will not go down with this ship and YOU WILL put your hands up and surrender and you will put a white flag above your door and you will do it right now!"
My spirit was leveled and sunk long enough and I was done feeling like I needed to go down with the ship. My Life was passing me by and I was doing something I always vowed that I wouldn't do and that was engage in self-torture. My Goodness! If I had not really looked at the words and stared a dang hole through them I may not have gotten, 'the get'.
Surrendering to what was didn't mean that I lost. I was already losing my own soul by being a hold out and not surrendering, and the only way I would win back my soul was to raise the white flag. So I did. I surrendered. The funny thing is I have to stop and make myself recall who this man was that I was pining over because now I'm engaged to the man I'm supposed to be with (my Scorpion King). I just had to get this other man out of the way.
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